In an old blog back when I was a few weeks pregnant, I wrote that I would not worry too much about how my delivery would be. The more into the pregnancy I got, the more I thought about it and talked it over with Sean. We decided to take the Bradley Birth classes.
We set time out every week to watch the dvds and do our workbook. We learned about breathing and relaxing during birth, about the different stages, the different scenarios, the setbacks we might encounter and many other things. We were ready. We had our bag packed and in the car when I was 36 weeks - along with the baby seat and emergency supplies in case I went into labor while we were out. We kept in contact with our bradley teacher and made all the arrangements at the hospital. We made a list of names that would be contacted when we were heading for the hospital and gave it to Ana and Michelle. Like I said, we were ready.
I am one of the few women that actually goes into labor on her due date. On March 6th, we were having Sabbath lunch at a friend's house in Keene and I felt my first contraction. About 20 minutes later I had another one. I didn't say anything until we were out the door and then I told Sean and Ana. We stopped by my aunt's house to say hello and then hurried home.
Around 4 or 5 that evening I started having them again and we knew this was it. It wasn't so bad, felt more like menstrual cramps. Ana came for a little while, but freaked out and left. Sean and I just watched TV and he downloaded an application on his itouch to keep track of the contractions. We called Donna, our Bradley teacher, around 11pm and Sean told her how I was doing. She listened to me on the phone go through one contraction and told him I sounded good and that I should take a shower to relax. I did. At this point they were about 8 minutes apart.
We stayed in the living room watching tv - me on the couch, Sean on the floor beside me. Every once in a while he would get me up and make me walk and squat. He would tell me to breathe and to take one contraction at a time. He was being the best coach he could be. We called Donna again around 2:30 in the morning when my contractions were about 3 minutes apart. At this point I was in pain, but working it. At 3 in the morning we headed to the hospital. Sean called Ana.
Once there, they were coming 2 minutes apart. I was dilated to a 4. I was so proud we had got to a 4 on our own at home. They admitted me and took me upstairs to labor and delivery. We had done our birth plan and Sean gave it to the nurse. My nurse said she had never had a patient walk in with one of those and that she would make sure the doctor would see it. My doctor was not on call. One of his associates was and she too read our birth plan and said they would do all they could to respect our wishes.
Our families started arriving and congregating in the waiting room and we settled in to wait. At 10am I was dilated to a 6 and in more pain. The doctor told us she felt the head and some hair. How exciting! I would walk some and go potty and have ice chips. I also had some honey that Michelle snuck in for me. By 12 o'clock I had dilated to an 8. We were so happy and ready. Unfortunately that's how far I got. I was checked at 3pm and then at 6pm and I was still an 8. My contractions were pretty painful and I could see a few had gone off the chart. But Sean helped me through them and when they came to offer the epidural he said no thank you.
At first they thought my cervix had a lip, so we called Donna and she told us to do different positions to thin it out. When the doctor came in around 8:30 she said that there was no lip, but that the whole cervix was thick. I started sobbing out of frustration and anger and fear. The baby's heart rate had gone down pretty low and had stayed there for over a minute so they put an oxygen mask on my nose. She suggested she break my water to see if that would help. We were thinking about it and our nurse told us that usually when they break your water the contractions hurt more. At this point I had been in labor for almost 30 hours without any drugs. We decided to do it and it wasn't so bad, until the next contraction came.
Oh my goodness. It was so unbearable. They came one after the other and double peaked at times. I had so many go off the chart. There was no breathing or relaxation technique that would help me. My wonderful and amazing husband held my hand and coached me through each one. He prayed and told me how strong I was and how proud he was. I would scream every time one came and would say I couldn't do it. He told me I could. The nurse came in and told me how she couldn't believe I had gone so far without any pain meds. She sat beside me and told me in a soft caring voice that based on her experience as a nurse she saw me going into a c-section. I could not believe I was hearing that.
I sobbed and sobbed and thought about all the things we had done to prepare for this moment. We had done all we could. I couldn't take the pain. I was worried about my baby and worried about Sean. We asked for the epidural. At this point we were still hopeful that once the epidural was in then I could relax and my cervix would open and I could have my little girl without any need for surgery. I was checked one last time around 10pm and was still dilated to an 8. The doctor came in and told me she only does c-sections when there is nothing more that can me done and for the safety of the baby and mother. She could barely feel Leila's head when she checked me. It didn't surprise me because I had felt her move up high.
We finally gave in. I cannot begin to express how I felt. I cried so hard my body shook. I let it all flow out in deep mournful sobs. I didn't understand. I was sad beyond believe. People started coming in and out getting me ready for the surgery. There was all this movement around me. One girl came in to check my IV and saw me crying and she asked me if I was scared or worried. I told her that I didn't want a c-section and she said,"Oh, don't worry. It's not so bad." I cried even harder. She had no clue what it ment for me.
I was wheeled in alone into the surgery while Sean got ready. I had my arms tied down. I had more drugs pumped into me. I couldn't breathe because of all the crying and they had to give me oxygen. I couldn't feel anything below by chest. I couldn't see anything. Sean sat beside me and we waited to hear our daughter cry. Finally we did and he went to be beside her. I only saw her for about 30 seconds once they had cleaned her up. They took her. I stayed there while they stitched me up and then was taken back to the room. I cried all the way there. How sad it all seemed. So uncaring and lonely.
Finally Sean came in and told me how beautiful she was. I was so emotionally and physically drained. I didn't hold my daughter for almost 4 hours. They brought her in for me to breastfeed. I cried that night while Sean slept on the couch beside me. And I cried that morning. I sometimes cry in the shower when I replay it all. I cry as I type this. I know that many of you will not understand why. After all, I'm healthy and my daughter is healthy. As I type this I can look at her sleeping peacefully in her bassinet and I'm grateful to God for her and for my amazing husband. But it still weighs heavy on my heart.
It's getting better and I know that even though her birth was not how I wanted it, God was there. I saw Him reflected in my husband's loving eyes, in my family's worried looks, in my friend's caring words. I believe that maybe, the lesson God wanted me to learn was that no matter how much we plan, it is Him that decides. I love Him and though I may not yet understand why it happened this way, I know He loves me too.
